Letting Go

Day One.
May 5, 2008 12:45 Am

I should be doing work, considering that I can not consider myself a second year graduate student until May 7, 2008 @ 6:00. But im not. Im in deep thought. Today is the first day of a cigarette free life. No more Newports, Capris or any other brand of cigarette man made will touch my lips. This depresses me. Ive been inspired and I have decided to quit with one of my best friends. Today at 12:00 two of my friends were sitting around with me in my apartment, and the one friend brought up the fact that it was 12:00 and me and my friend (who will remain nameless) are officially done. After smoking on and off for eight years, it is time to call it quits. I pray that I remain strong through this venture. As I chew on the side of my lip, ordinarly I would reach in my green and white box and feed myself some nicotine, but I cant, and I wont. I threw my ashbottles away at 12:00 and I freaked the hell out when I spilled the bottle all over my legs. Ive quit before. In fact, I stopped for awhile for a guy that I cared deeply about....however, when he was out of picture, Newports became my substitute lover. This was okay with me at first until I realized my substitute lover could eventually kill me. So here I am, cigarettless, typing and watching re-runs of Cold Case. I pray for the strength to stick to my guns about my new life, without the green and white box. The funny thing, I picked the most inopprotune time to stop using my "stress releiver". I made an interesting choice this weekend which made me relieve the past. However, after much soul searching and spending the whole weekend having a bitchfest with two of my good friends, ive come to the conclusion, sometimes the past is better off in the past. I thought about the statement "you can always go home again". Sure, you can always go home again but the question is...is it worth going home. Home, is not being in used in the context of going home to your parents, I mean it as could you go home to a situation that didnt work the first time around. The answer for me is No. I can't go "home" again. You cant expect the past to be the future, and for a split second, I thought I could. Then, I had an ephipany. I will not let certain past events be my future events. I cant, and I wont. I love me too much. Im sexy, duh! I sit here and think about how May 5 last year I was not the same person. I was broken, and I really believe I had just had a nervous breakdown. I made that self diagonsis myself, however if you knew me from last year you would know that this was true. I have had a year of growth, I have obtained new friends and Im in a schooling program that has not compromised my sanity as opposed to law school last year. I recently jumped back into the past only to realized thats not where I want to be. You can love someone but not be in love with someone, and you can have love for someone, or you can be in love with someone and have to love them from a distance. I have done all of the above. The loudest sound of all is love unspoken, this I know. However, sometimes its better when you love someone so much and it isnt working or if you know it wont work then its time to let them go. Ive been letting go a lot, a person, but most importantly that green and white box. Its 1:22 and im not craving. This is a good thing. Im letting go.